08/17/25

Another epiphany moment for me today. Morty and I are playing FFXIV. It starts with a goal. I am going to save up gil in the game to be able to find a cool glamour for his character. One of my first ideas is to create a Pokémon trainer glamour. And that makes me say, I would love to get a Pokémon trainer costume. I just need a hat, an outer shirt, and some accessories. And that way I can dress up when we go to a con with MidnightVixenFox and AuroraCrystalhart. And then, OMG couple goals. I want to have a couple Halloween costume. I will be a Pokémon trainer and we will find a cute way to make him into my Pikachu. BAM. Short term goals. First paycheck from my new job, I am going to buy an adult toy for Morty and buy FFXI for him. Then after that, I am going to save for a costume for us for Halloween. 

We talk some more and we get on the topic of me going to school. Morty says that I could be in school this time next year. I stop and actually think about it. Living with my mom, I’m not really paying anything to live here. When I start making money again, I’m going to pay off debt and after that, I will just be saving money. Another goal, Morty and I want to live by ourselves in a rent house when his lease is up next year. Another long term goal that I want to save money for. He brings up my longer term goal of starting my own practice called Blunt Therapy. That is more of a five year goal. But, I can see all of this happening on this timeline. First the first time since I can remember, I have goals in life. I have been living so much just one day at a time, just hoping for some accident to take me out. I’ve been living with the hope of dying everyday. 

Eureka. For the first time in my life, I want to live. I want to live life to the fullest. I don’t want to be held back by worrying about what if it goes wrong. All of my life has been living in fear, afraid of the world around me. And now, I want to live bravely and live the life of my dreams. I want to live for myself. And all this came to me because Morty started asking questions and making goals with me. He brought me to my eureka moment. And he is the catalyst that started the spark in me. I tell him, “I love you so deeply. I love you on so many levels. You are because you were the catalyst to my eureka moment and I love you because you brought that moment to me.” I love him so much.

I’ve had this idea lurking in the back of my head that I wanted to share my journal with other people. It started because I was afraid that all this new and wonderful feeling was just my mental health giving me manic feelings. I’ve never felt this way before and thought that surely this is just my fucked up brain and these feelings will pass tomorrow. But the feelings have just kept growing, and live with me in my daily life. So it transitioned to me wanting to just want to journal for myself so that I could read back and reflect on these changes in my life so that I could more easily talk to my therapist about it. Through this eureka moment, I kept thinking that I would have never thought this is possible. It is a fairy tale that you tell kids so that they will try to be hopefully in this shitty world. I know that maybe this could help someone else suffering from mental health issues to know that there is still hope out there. And the idea goes further. This love story that Morty and I are writing together is so beautiful. Everything feels natural and too good to be true. It is something that I think other people would enjoy reading, even if it is just my mom and therapist. I decide that I’m going to learn how to set up a blog and I’m going to start posting my journal entries there. I’m going to write out my goals so that I have that to reference and help me save money. Lightbulb! What if I started something like a Go Fund Me for people to donate towards my goals. We can have Couple Goals like a trip to Disneyworld for our first anniversary. (Or going towards buying a ring that Morty deserves).  

At this point, my brain just explodes with possibilities. For the first time, I feel like I can have goals and actually achieve them. Now that I have Morty in my life, things are coming together. And it is like I have been looking at my life as a kaleidoscope that is a chaotic mess and everything is just starting to come together to see a singular image. Everything in life is just lining up in the most ideal way. I could not imagine a better life for me, unless the political climate changed. But we already talked about moving somewhere more liberal before I open a private practice. (another long term goal)! 

What if we were able to live our life authentically, how we wanted. And if we got enough of a following that we could use that to help with living expenses. I could actually go to school full time and focus on getting my LCSW credentials. That is a dream for me. And it seems like it could actually be within grasp. I ask Morty to start a recording on his phone because I don’t want to forget this feeling, and if we get famous, maybe we could offer clips of us on there to get TikTok famous, too. My brain on hyper drive leaps to we could start a livestream and put up a couple webcams in my place and a couple at his place. Morty reels my brain in and grounds me back into the moment. First, start with a blog and see what happens. Lol